Maybe one of the reasons that you decided to marry was because of your deep emotional need to feel loved by someone special. It is from your natural disposition (fitra) that you long for someone to care for you, appreciate your efforts, and accept you for who you are. Interestingly, your husband also shares the same wishes; he greatly craves your attention, support, and tenderness.
Allah Most High says: “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” [Quran 30:21]
If you ponder over this verse, you will notice that Allah Most High says that He created spouses for the purpose of the two living together in tranquility. Revelation is informing you that marriage is meant to be bliss and blessing – something that brings joy and peace into your life – as it is a means for tremendous spiritual good.
An Islamic marriage is born when two strangers come together with a pure intention to create a Muslim family for the sake of Allah. When you married, you both swore upon the book of Allah and the sunna of the Prophet ﷺ to unite as spiritual partners, promising your Creator that you will help each other live the deen day-in and day-out.
The secret of how to achieve this sacred atmosphere in a marriage is included in the verse too. By consistently showing love and mercy towards one another, you both will create a safe haven for yourselves and your children; a place where you will always feel protected and secure from any outside evil inshaAllah.
Thus, if you want to make your marriage a serene abode, there must be action. True love cannot be built upon false fantasies that you use as a scapegoat from hardcore reality. True love cannot be sustained upon temporary ‘feel-good’ emotions that only arise when you are in a certain mood. True love cannot be bred upon the caprice of your selfish ego that incites you to always think of yourself first.
If you read about how the Prophet ﷺ describes Sayyidatuna Khaijda (Allah be pleased with her), it is apparent that his ﷺ deep concern for her developed as a result of the way that she treated him, especially during the tough times.
The Prophet ﷺ said about Sayyidatuna Khaijda (Allah be pleased with her): “Allah has not given me better than her. She had faith in me when my people rejected in me. She believed in me when my people denied me. She shared her wealth with me when my people withheld from me, and Allah only granted me children through her.” (Ahmad)
You learn from their marriage which ideals make love genuine. Selflessness, compassion, consideration, and loyalty are what form the foundation of love. However, these ideals can only materialize into actual virtues that characterize your marriage based upon what you do for each other, despite the difficulties faced or the unfavorable nature of your predicament. This is true love.
Many wives are initially compelled to act upon these concepts when they first marry. They are charged with a powerful passion to be the best Muslim wife possible to their husband. Yet, as the days pass, their engine starts to sputter, and over the years, their love van hopelessly breaks down and it is left stranded on the lonely relationship highway.
For some wives, their false expectations about married life are what hold them back from refilling their empty love tank. They are convinced that their circumstance should be different and judge their marriage accordingly. They then justify their inaction from this limited perspective. These false expectations only put the break down on the couple’s intimate connection.
So, if you want to keep your love van moving, then roll up your sleeves, pop open your hood, and clear your mind from the combustion fumes caused by these five common expectations…