27. Girl Talk & Bad Advice

It’s tempting to talk about your husband when you’re upset. It’s doubly tempting when your friends are all bashing their husbands at the same time. Complaints easily turn into sarcasm, and sarcasm quickly transforms into the unlawful act of backbiting (ghiba). ‘Getting things off one’s chest’ may have now earned Allah Most High’s anger.

The successful Muslim wife is a lot smarter than this and does not stoop to this level. She is not interested in going near Allah’s limits, and she does not disclose her husband faults to anyone. She would never accept for herself to be counted as someone who the Prophet described as one of the worst types of people:

“Among the worst types of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is a man who enjoys his wife’s intimate company, and she enjoys his intimate company, and then he spreads her secret.” (Muslim)

When scholars discuss this hadith, they mention that what is included in this warning is talking about any of the secrets of one’s spouse, be it husband or wife. Thus, no one does such a thing but the worst type of people.

 

The Exception

The Prophet  said: “The religion is nasiha.” We said, “To whom?” He said, “To Allah, His Book, His Messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and their common folk.”

If you are experiencing an issue or ongoing problem with your husband, this is grounds to speak to someone inshaAllah. Yet, make sure that they have the following credentials:

  • They are qualified to give marriage advice, like a counselor or coach.
  • They have a good marriage themselves.
  • Their advice draws you closer to Allah Most High.

 

Bad Advice

Be aware that most women feel compelled to give advice to their friends and loved ones who are struggling in their marriages. Although they are sincere at heart, the problem with many women’s advice is that it usually involves ‘fixing’ men’s instinctive nature or encouraging the wife to stop carrying out her Sacred Law duties.

“That’s not right! He shouldn’t talk to you that way!”

“I wouldn’t put up with that if I was you. He shouldn’t ignore you! Is that even Islamic?”

“He should be helping you out more. You do so much!”

“Don’t always give him everything he wants right away; make him work for it.”

How many a marriage was ruined by such ‘bad’ advice?! Through cheering on the wrong messages, this advice could steer a lost soul further off track, pushing a confused wife to resort to her anger when attempting to resolve her marital discord instead of her pure heart. It may also cause her husband to feel attacked, disrespected, or ignored – exacerbating the couple’s marriage problems.

If you want to ask an older auntie or a friend for advice, take care to seek advice from women who you know have successful marriages themselves and sincerely practice what they preach. After all, when push comes to shove, blissful marriages are not based on theory, but they are built upon effective action and visible results.

 

Of course, if you’re in need of advice, we can help inshaAllah. Check out our coaching options.