If your husband appears distant to you, do not panic. It could be that his need for space has nothing to do with you.
A Man’s Cave
Men usually solve their problems very differently from women. Unlike women who find comfort and relief by sharing their problems with others, most men slip into caveman mode when they are stressed out or overworked. They want to have their own space and private time as it helps them to work through their problems. Many are not very open about what is on their minds during this period and the last thing that a man wants to do is ‘talk about it.’ Yet, he will still interact with his family, but be aware that his presence at these times may feel unusual because his mind is distant and he may not seem like ‘himself.’
If your husband is going through caveman mode, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you because it is the nature of men to first disconnect in order to connect. This often occurs when he arrives back from work; he needs time to disengage before he can engage. Men are still in work mode and will frequently do things to wind themselves down before feeling the desire to join a social atmosphere. This is the wrong time to try to start an intimate conversation or unload all of your problems on him. However, when he is relaxed and ready to socialize, be good company for him; he enjoys hearing about the happiness that you experience in your life.
When men are stressed or overworked, they often disengage by thinking about ‘nothing,’ watching sports, reading the news, or doing something totally unrelated to their problem at-hand. To a woman, it appears like her husband is ignoring his problems instead of dealing with them. This is completely untrue. Avoid nagging him to be more productive; it will only backfire. A man wants a woman who understands him – a woman who knows what he wants and when he wants it. Recognize his need, be his friend, and do him the favor of being his lover and not his mother.
Instead, take care of your own emotional need for company by talking with your female friends or relatives until things return to normal. If he gives you his time, use it to be as pleasant as possible. Avoid overburdening him with extra stresses or telling him how he can overcome his issues. Smile at him. Listen to him. Be supportive. Cook him is favorite foods. Tell him funny stories. Do whatever you can to make the living environment a haven for him. When his busy streak is over, he will appreciate your efforts and you will reap the reward of your hard work inshaAllah.
His Need For Respect
However, if it is obvious that your husband is truly avoiding you, it could mean that he feels disrespected.
Many women today do not realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. However, love for a man is different; love for him is to be shown consistent respect from the woman that he loves. Consistent respect sends the message that you are your husband’s number one fan, and it encourages him to love you, to want to be around you, and to take care of your needs.
Respect is like oxygen for men; they thrive off of it and die without it. Respecting a man means to accept him for who he is, give him independence, trust him, and make him feel like he is competent and successful. Try to practice these concepts:
- Give his way a chance before undermining his decisions or disapproving of his dreams.
- Make him feel capable and competent by not complaining about the way he does things.
- Be his lover, not his mother by teaching him and not by preaching to him.
- Let him make his own mistakes and solve his own problems.
- Make him feel like he is number one in your life, especially after you have children.
Clear Signs He’s Feeling Disrespected
When a woman disrespects her husband, she sends off a signal that she is not his number one fan, and in turn, there are serious repercussions in the marital friendship.
There are clear signs when a man feels disrespected. These are the most familiar signs:
- He tells you. You disrespect me. I feel disrespected.
- He becomes enraged and explodes often or he gets easily irritated.
- He stops approaching you for physical intimacy or rejects your attempts.
- He says nasty things and never seems satisfied.
- He withdraws and stops sharing his life with you.
Think that your husband feels disrespected? We can help. Check out our coaching options inshaAllah.