All too often we trick ourselves into believing that happy marriages are gifted upon the moment that two people agree to marry. We think that because the two seem like such a good match together, they will automatically be guaranteed a good relationship. We might even look at our own marriages and think that if only our husbands were different or if we had married someone who had such-and-such quality, our lives would certainly be better off.
However, forming a good marriage takes a lifetime of consistent effort and work – no matter who you are and what your resume says. Relationships aren’t based upon what we did before we entered them but what we do once we’re finally together. Without a doubt, it’s the everyday choices that we make which will mold and define our relationship for the years to come. Each moment shapes a new day, and each day creates another year, and each following year adds up to a lifetime of bliss or torture.
This mathematical principle applies to every marriage, and none of us can escape how it shapes our destiny – except by learning how to make the right choices so that we gain promising results inshaAllah. Knowing and understanding which choices are at our fingertips ultimately boils down to our level of emotional intelligence – our ability to effectively analyze our relationship in a way that brings about the most benefit for our minds, hearts, and spirits inshaAllah.
As we mentioned in Part 1, successful wives use a combination of mental, emotional, and physical tactics in order to win in their marriages, and we previously revealed their mental techniques. In this post, we want to share the most popular emotional skills that successful wives utilize inshaAllah.
Part 2: Three Habits That Define Successful Wives
A habit is popularly described as a behavior that is repeated regularly until it eventually becomes ingrained at a subconscious level. This means that the habits that we form in our relationships – either good or bad – sooner or later occur without us even thinking about them! As such, the only thing that will make us become successful wives with blissful marriages is our willingness and aptitude to first consciously opt for the choices that will lead to creating fruitful long-term habits inshaAllah.
By resorting to their emotional intelligence, successful wives are acutely aware of how much their personal choices either hurt or help their relationship. Knowing that they are the caretakers of their relationship, it is their burning desire to always be in the position of guiding the relationship to its greatest potential. Consequently, successful wives are extremely selective over which road they will travel during the good and the bad times, and this careful attitude influences them to create three defining habits.
Habit #1: They do not repeat the same harmful mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes in their marriages, and certain mistakes may even be repeated a few times before the message finally hits home. Sometimes the pain that we experience from doing the wrong is what beckons us to try our best the next time. This bumpy learning process may occur more frequently in the beginning stages of our marriages as we fumble around when trying to get to know our husbands.
Successful wives are definitely not flawless and they have made their fair share of mistakes, but what separates them from the rest is that they do not repeat the really bad ones. When they see how much a specific word, deed, or inaction can rock their marital boat, they consciously choose to take whatever means necessary in order to avoid the drama from happening again.
For example, when a successful wife sees how much her criticism of her husband emasculates him, she refrains from running down that same path ever again; or when she realizes that her anger is driving her more than her pure heart, she takes back the steering wheel and let’s good prevail to the best of her ability; or when she believes that both her and her husband’s behavior is unacceptable, she focuses on changing herself – even if her husband does not immediately change with her.
Fundamentally, successful wives are concerned about doing what’s right for their marriage and their own lives more than they are about blindly cruising through life, not caring about whom they run over or hit along the way. They want to do what is morally and spiritually right for the sake of preserving a good friendship with their husband. This great habit can plant itself at a deeper level when a wife’s love and fear for her Creator serves as the ultimate source of her motivation alhamduliLlah.
Habit #2: They use conflict as an opportunity to discover and reconnect with shared values.
It’s become quite popular in today’s times to strive for a ‘problem-free’ life. Yet, as believers, we are taught that this Life will never be free of tests because it is not our permanent abode; more precisely, we must view each test as an opening to draw nearer to our Creator and earn our place in Paradise inshaAllah. Consequently, happiness in this Life does not arise from the absence of problems, but rather it comes from our ability to deal with our problems in a way that is pleasing to our Creator inshaAllah.
As such, every marriage will experience conflict and each couple will dispute about various issues at different times along their marital journey. However, successful wives maintain a realistic view about marital life. They appreciate the fact that their marriages may never be argument-free, and instead, they turn their attention to making it argument-friendly.
Instead of allowing fights to break their marital bond, successful wives treat conflict as an opportunity to connect and learn about each other’s needs. Since their internal drive is wired to further understand their husbands, even if things get heated, the disagreements in these women’s marriages will shortly morph into a discussion. They will find themselves saying curious non-confrontational statements like: “How come that’s so important to you?” “Why do you think it’s best for it to be that way?” “I totally see the good in what you’re saying, but I feel like…”
By squashing their urge to become defensive, insulting, critical, and dismissive over their husband’s opinions, they set the stage for their husbands to feel emotionally safe with them. In other words, they don’t busy themselves with trying to prove their point for the sake of being right but they welcome their husband’s input, acknowledge his view, and encourage him to be vocal for the greater goal of getting along with him. Each conflict is a prime opportunity to discover something new about their husband and to reconnect with any common values related to life, children, love, and more.
Having trouble with this point? Check out this marriage counselor’s solutions for how to fight clean. Also, check out our post on stopping long-winded arguments and what to do when you feel disrespected by your husband inshaAllah.
Habit #3: They make their husband’s need to be loved a priority.
Unfortunately, it’s very common for women to think that they are committed to this habit when in actuality they are far from it. Because women are always on the go with their long to-do lists, they believe that they’re constantly giving back to their husbands in various forms, but how many a man feels unloved by his busy wife?! Ladies, just because we’re busy, it doesn’t mean that we’re giving our husband WHAT HE NEEDS in order to feel loved. In fact, we could be doing quite the opposite.
Another way that wives unknowingly mislead themselves into thinking that they are giving their husband love is by way of mismatched love languages. We naturally give to others the type of love that we personally want to receive because that’s what is instinctual to us. So, if we like to receive gifts as a form of love, we shop for our husbands, thinking that he’ll recognize this as a gesture of love. Yet, maybe a gift doesn’t push any of his love buttons and he remains unsatisfied. Or it could be that our idea of love is to receive a lot of hugs, attention, intimacy, and physical touch; so we’re constantly trying to give that to him. Yet, that’s not what he needs, and he in return feels suffocated and pushes us away.
Successful wives may have also missed the boat in this area, but the difference is that they quickly jump on the next boat, learn what their husbands truly need to feel loved, and make it their mission to give love back in that way on a daily basis. Their love clock ticks, “What can I do for him today to make him pleased?” Since they are concerned about making their husbands happy and giving the right love, they easily form the habit of stepping outside of their love language and stepping into his love language.
After time, the effect of this outstanding habit is that he will do the same for her once she teaches him that she needs differently. As the years pass and the relationship bond solidifies, it may be that both begin to somewhat merge in their love languages – meaning that it no longer becomes a conscious effort to give back in another person’s language because every expression of love turns into an accepted form of affection for both parties inshaAllah.
To learn more about love languages check out Lesson 8 in our “Find Purpose Again” Self-Paced course, and read the TayyibaatWives’ Love Language Chart that breaks down love languages according to gender inshaAllah.
In summary, through their emotional intelligence, successful wives examine their interactions with their husband, and from their mistakes and triumphs they LEARN what their husband really desires from them. They store this knowledge in their emotional database, taking care to update, edit, and save it when required. Successful wives use this information as a reference to mold and shape the good habits in their marriages – for change cannot occur without first knowing what begs to be changed.
Secrets of Successful Wives Series
Part 1: Mental Focus – Three Questions That Successful Wives Ask
Part 2: Emotional Intelligence – Three Habits That Define Successful Wives
Part 3: Physical Application – Three Commitments That Successful Wives Make
© TayyibaatWives, 2017.