Discover Your Communication Style

communication

Good communication is vital for any marriage, but there’s a popular misconception that a wife must say ‘more’ in order for her husband to become motivated to do things for her. This myth is completely false and it is the cause for so much friction in our marriages.

Men do not need ‘more’ feedback, but rather, they need ‘clear, brief, courteous’ feedback. When we bombard our husbands with our emotions or we talk through our anger or we speak non-stop about an issue after he’s decided the solution for it, we lose points. To our husbands, anything that exits our mouths sounds like a bunch of complaints, verbal insults, nagging, victimhood, and defensiveness. The depressing result is that the real point that we need to convey is lost on them and we send the message that we are never satisfied, which discourages our husbands from wanting to take the initiative to do anything for us in the future.

Throughout TayyibaatWives’ coaching, we’ve been able to classify most women’s communication styles into three categories: the silent type, the talkative type, and the explosive type. So which type of woman are you?

Your communication style can differ from person to person. In our coaching, we’re specifically addressing your communication style with your husband. Moreover, the way that you express yourself with your husband can vary depending on the topic at-hand; consequently, we’re primarily focusing on the method that you use to communicate with him 80% of the time.

Check out the following descriptions and identify the pros/cons of your communication style inshaAllah.

 

The Silent Type

Are you her?
She does not immediately voice her upset when she’s feeling it; instead, she has a tendency to hold it inside. She thinks that saying something will make the situation at-hand worse and believes that it is better to stay quiet for the sake of peace. However, the bad thoughts towards her husband continue to attack her from different directions and pretty soon she begins to deeply resent him, causing the grudges to solidify. Interestingly, she does eventually erupt but not over what she was originally upset over, which makes her husband believe that she is constantly irritated over ridiculous issues. More than 50% of the women that we coach fall into this category.

Her Pluses:
She thinks things through and does not overreact in the moment. She initially listens to what her husband says and is willing to put her needs aside to meet his needs.

Her Minuses:
She can overthink things and it causes her to form wrong assumptions, especially about her husband’s intentions. She denies herself of true happiness by trying to be the martyr. She hurts her emotional being by bottling up her real feelings. Her marriage suffers because she is not teaching her husband how to meet her needs, but rather she keeps hoping that he’ll figure out how she feels. The problem is that most men never do unless a wife actively helps her husband by taking the means to train him on how to take care of her.

How to Fix Her Weak Area:
Come to terms with the fact that your husband is not a mind reader, nor does he have telepathic capabilities. Wishing that he would magically intuit your thoughts or decode your silence is not only dangerous but it is actively setting him up to fail. If you don’t tell your husband how you feel and what you need, he will never know how to win your heart. Learn how to understand yourself. What are your true feelings? What do you want or need in order to be happy? How does your husband fit into this picture? Now, express those vital needs to him inshaAllah.

 

The Talkative Type

Are you her?
She likes to share her opinions and ideas quite openly. She enjoys conversing over issues, even after they are done; sometimes bringing up things that happened in the past to prove her points. She is good at giving instructions and explaining topics.

Her Pluses:
She does not ignore a problem when she sees it, but rather, she wants to find a workable solution through speaking about it. She feels comfortable voicing her opinions and expressing herself. She encourages her husband to speak up.

Her Minuses:
She is so busy talking that she doesn’t realize that her husband feels overloaded by the extra commentary. He is partially annoyed because he doesn’t receive clear-cut directions of what she wants him to exactly do; this frustrates him because he feels like they’re often going in circles. If she is really angry with him, her comments can appear like she is on the defensive, which negatively impacts their friendship because he feels like he can never do anything right.

How to Fix Her Weak Area:
Your husband is not your girlfriend. If you want to engage in girl talk, then call up a friend. Men are solution oriented, and when they feel like they’ve gathered enough feedback to make a well-informed decision, they’re finished with talking about it. Try writing out your thoughts and narrowing them down to a few key sentences so that your point is well-defined; then, only share that part with your husband inshaAllah.

 

The Explosive Type

Are you her?
She is never afraid to speak her mind. Her husband does not need to guess hard about what’s going on in her world. Even if she keeps her cool in the odd situation, she’s itching to say how she feels. She convinces herself that it is necessary for her husband to be clued up, but it is hard for her to admit that the way she communicates is hurting her marriage more than helping it.

Her Pluses:
It doesn’t take much effort to figure out how she feels, and consequently, her husband will quickly learn what things aggravate her. She can feel sorry and guilty after getting things off her chest, which encourages her to want to make amends. Because she says how she feels quite freely, forming grudges are less of a risk.

Her Minuses:
Her way of expressing herself is emotionally draining. Her angry outbursts can be deadly, and it sucks the life out of the marriage because her husband is often caught between fighting back and running for cover. When it happens in public, like in front of his family or children, it totally embarrasses him. Even though she is ‘over’ it, he is not so forgetful and it takes a lot of effort to mend his heart and regain his trust. Some women in this category have a habit of throwing tantrums to demonstrate how upset they are; quite frankly, she drowns in her emotions and it puts her husband off from wanting to be around her.

How to Fix Her Weak Area:
Remember that Allah is watching you. Stop allowing your anger to drive you, but climb behind the steering wheel and take control of it. Start living your life in slow motion and with a little more logic. When you feel the angry, hurtful thoughts bubbling inside, remove yourself from the situation by politely excusing yourself and busy your mind with something else, like walking or saying dhikr. Get in touch with what is genuinely bothering you underneath it all; then, talk to your husband about how you feel only when your fizzing emotions have subdued and you’re in a calm state inshaAllah.

 

The Tayyibaat Wife Type

Are you her?
She is a balanced combination between the positive points of all three types. She knows what she wants and is not afraid to say it, actively teaching her husband how to please her and guiding the course of her relationship. Her method of voicing her needs is concise but clear, and it inspires him to want to take care of her needs. Her way of expressing herself protects her friendship with her husband and increases his love for her, motivating him to do things for her over and over again.

Find out how to be her in Episode 7 of our “Find Purpose Again” Self-Paced course inshaAllah.

 

© TayyibaatWives, 2016.

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