Ding. Ding. A phone vibrates as a woman’s WhatsApp beckons her to check the latest message from her best friend. Her husband stops talking and stares at her in silence while she quickly glances at what her friend says. She smiles happily, hurriedly types a response, and tells herself that her husband doesn’t mind, but deep down inside she knows that he does. He’s expressed to her before that he feels ignored; the kids’ wants often always come before his needs. He’s shared his irritation with her about the way the house looks and how he’s tired of feeling like he’s a runner up in her life.
Yet, she doesn’t feel the same way; things seem absolutely fine to her, but rather, the big problem is that her husband is overly picky, high maintenance, and a constant complainer. She wouldn’t have any problems if he would just loosen up and give her a break.
But if her favorite Muslim scholar visited her house for dinner, would she do the same thing?
You may protest and say that it is an unfair comparison, but why is it? Our husband is the imam of our house, and someone who deserves our special treatment. If he is unhappy with the way that we run our households and feels neglected of the love that he needs, shouldn’t we at minimum fairly consider his side?
Women possess a lot of power in their relationships. We add warmth to a cold atmosphere by a gentle touch. We remind a defeated person of their potential by an encouraging word. We alleviate the pain someone feels by giving our ear and look of concern. It is through our intuition, our care, and our attention that we are able to reconnect hearts and rejuvenate soul into a lifeless state. Why not use our God-given potential to make that difference in our marriages and homes? Our job as wives is to make the home the haven – a safe refuge for our husbands and children; a place where they can always find love, peace, and faith.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Each of you is a person tending to those under his care and each of you shall be answerable to those under his care. All of those in authority are caretakers. And a man is the caretaker over those in his home. And a woman is the caretaker of her husband’s home and the supervisor over his children. Each of you is a caretaker and each of you will be answerable for those in his charge. (Bukhari & Muslim)
Try these five tips to effectively make your home a haven:
Become the CEO of Your Abode
Take control of your household and manage it like you’re running a business. Divide your house into four stations, and spend fifteen minutes a day tidying one station. Choose a work time that is most convenient for you so that you can consistently clean your station on a regular basis. At the end of each week, monitor your house’s overall cleanliness by doing a maintenance checkup so that you know what needs to be done for next week. Hire help if you can afford it or train your children to help out. For more tips and suggestions, check out www.flylady.net.
Turn Off Electronics During Dinner Time
Use dinner time to teach your children that they were not created to be slaves of gadgets but slaves of Allah. Watching television, answering phones, and replying to instant messaging should be outlawed at dinner time, especially with children present because they learn from your example. Families need to catch up and connect with each other in order to foster strong emotional bonds and loyalty with each member. This cannot happen if everyone’s face is turned in different directions and minds are diverted from the overall purpose of gathering.
Greet Your Husband When He Returns
Men long to return to their homes after a hard day of work. Every time your husband returns from work there is a chance to reaffirm in his heart what an amazing and loving wife you are. When he comes home, take care that you stop what you’re doing, look happy to see him, and greet him immediately. If your husband works at home, greet him any time he returns after stepping out for errands. If you make the home life a place where he can relax and be himself, he’ll be eager to spend time with you at the end of his day inshaAllah.
Argue Behind Closed Doors
Protect your children’s mental and emotional health by never arguing in front of them. Even though you may not think that your children understand what’s happening, they are actually studying the interaction between you and your husband very closely, and the bad vibes enter into their unsettled souls. Give your children an emotionally sound and stable upbringing by agreeing to discuss heated matters behind closed doors. Decide on a hand signal that both of you understand indicates it’s time to be quiet for the children’s sake, and talk about it later on in their absence.
Play the Qur’an As Much As Possible
Allah says, “And remember your Lord much and exalt Him with praise in the evening and the morning.” (3:41) Anytime the Qur’an is played, it instantaneously changes the ambiance of a place into that of tranquility and serenity. Fill your house with continuous dhikr and the blessing of Allah’s word. Play a cd or download recordings of your favorite Quranic recitation while you’re cleaning, cooking, or relaxing.
Without a doubt, havens cannot be created with double standards. They are formed by consistent work and sticking to your principles. Agree together on what type of impression you want your household to leave on the hearts of your children and actively take steps towards it. Each step that you take is a step towards pleasing your Creator inshaAllah.
© TayyibaatWives, 2016.